Hi Everyone,Long story short. A few months ago I ended a 19 year relationship / marriage with a girl I met in high school and have been with since shortly after. She was manipulative and had neurotic anxiety issues and I was naive and unconfident and didn't know how to stand up for myself or assert my needs properly. Consequently she dominated the important decisions until my life was unrecognizable and I'd completely lost my identity and made a string of bad life decisions while trying to make her happy, which of course she wasn't, and ended up diagnosed with exogenous depression and had meds and councilling and the whole 9 yards. It took me more than a decade just to realise how unbalanced and toxic (my councillor's words) our relationship was, and then another 5 years to rebuild myself to the point where I could leave. So, I'm 37, I've never been "on the scene" and never been on a proper date, like, ever. I don't have many close friends left, and none that live nearby. I can count my total sexual partners on one hand, and have been starved and made to feel oversexed and shameful about my needs in the bedroom for more than a decade (Once every 6 weeks or so, in bed, lights off, usual position :( ). I also have massive financial problems due to those bad decisions which will take years to earn my way out of. I've read stories from women who have left abusive men and the emotions they went through during and afterwards and it sounds very familiar.On the plus side, I now have a great new job in a new town, I'm studying at uni and doing well which is a massive confidence boost (never succeeded academically before). I'm smart, articulate and can make deep conversation on a wide range of topics such as music, history, tech, science, philosphy and politics. I'm also passionate about music and write, record and produce my own electro / industrial / rock music and aspire to be a performaing artist. I also like to think I am good looking, I have a body that is far better than I deserve considering I am not the sporty / gym going / outdoors type. (If you don't believe me, request my private photo)On one hand I feel deeply unconfident and emotionally weak. I'm definitely not ready for another long term relationship, in fact I'm afraid of being drawn back into one. I've dreamed of a better sex life for years and years and now that it might be a possibility I'm completely terrified of actually stepping up and performing. I think I am an attentive lover, I tried so hard to focus on my ex'es needs in bed to try to encourage her to want more or to think about reciprocating with my needs. Her comfort and orgasm was always the most important thing to me in love making. But am I actually objectively good in bed? HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW???On the other hand I'm lonely, and the longer I am alone the less confident I feel. I'm thinking I need some positive interaction with women to rebuild my confidence, but it's a bit of a chicken and egg situation because I keep hearing that the key to attracting women is to be confident. I've been to clubs a few times recently (which I've never done before) and I am just way too timid to approach strange women, even just thinking about approaching someone makes me super stressed and anxious. The few times I have actually made an approach all ended in immediate rejection. Honestly, when I watch other guys make approaches on the dance floor it just seems so crass and sleazy and gross to me, like a dog humping your leg. I can't ever imagine being that guy, either having the balls to be that brazen nor even wanting to be. Maybe clubbing is just the wrong scene for me.I have a profile on RSVP but it seems all the women there are quite demanding and only after long term commitment which really scares me off. Every profile reads the same: "I'm a fun loving girl who likes to laugh, loves the beach, my dog, wine travel and adventure. Seeking honest, athletic, confident, comedian who is ready for commitment.". Ugh... It seems they think there are only 2 types of men, those who are ready to marry, and those who want to fuck and forget. I am not ready for comittment, but that doesn't mean I am a disrespectful sleazebag.So that brings me to redhotpie.com.au. What am I doing here? I don't know. I guess I'm trying to find some light hearted interaction with people who are not demanding about comittment. By the way that is NOT code for "no strings attached sex", I would honestly prefer just to meet and talk and enjoy a night out together at first. In fact one of my favourite things to do is just sit together on a cozy couch with a bottle of wine and talk wide and deep about mutual interests or new things we can teach each other. And if something does happen later I will always be respectful of her emotions.Ideally I would like a woman to take me in hand and show me that a relationship with a woman does not have to be about mind games and constant pressure to commit, but can just be about enjoying each other's company and appreciating each other for what we are and accepting what we are not.So am I in the right place? I don't know, what do you think?PS: Wow this was way longer than I intended..
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